this is that cheez-it factory he’s always talking about
September 15, 2009
You know, the one, where they made the cheese for Cheez-its, America's favorite snack cracker
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hold still, this is life
You know, the one, where they made the cheese for Cheez-its, America's favorite snack cracker
what we see is what we are 
yes. because cheez-it’s are made with real cheese…. unlike better cheddars.
or cheese nips!
Hello!
This is Rabbi Joel Himmel. I do fondly remember my days as the resident “cheese blesser” at The Sunshine Bisquit Dairy Division in Fremont, Ohio. I was proud to provide my much needed services, making Cheez-Its kosher for Jewish cheese snack cracker fans everywhere. I do believe I know this “he” you speak of above; a young college man, maybe about 21 years old 10 years ago, with the given name “Aaron,” from the Torah. Though, live up to this name he did not!
There is one incident that shall forever be burned into my memory. One day, I was late to work – being that I had to commute from Chicago every week (there are not many Rabbis in Fremont, Ohio). Rather than wait for my kosher-making abilities, the workers at Sunshine Bisquit began producing non-kosher cheese, thinking I wouldn’t notice. But I did! Upon my arrival, I demanded that the cheese be thrown out! Not Kosher, No Good! But what did that little shagetz son-of-a-bitch Aaron do? He took the non-kosher cheese into a hidden freezer in the back of the factory, cut it up into little pieces, and then slowly re-introduced it into the kosher batches of cheese. As though the cheese would magically become “kosher by association.”
How do I know? I caught the yutzi bastard running through the factory shlepping an armload of bad cheese, about to throw it into the vat.
I assure you, once I found out, this kosher-by-association cheese was thrown out. So do not fret – your Cheez-Its are safe as long as I’m on the job. When I confronted Aaron about the incident, he claimed it was the idea of upper management, not his own, and that the very notion of cheese that is kosher-by-association was ludicrous to him all along. I have my doubts.
In any event, I wish him well. Zol zein!
Rabbi Himmel
While it is true that I did indeed cut up the non-kosher cheese in an attempt to make it “kosher-by-association,” what I told Rabbi Himmel is the truth. It was not my idea. The task was forced upon me by upper management. I felt bad about it, and was secretly glad when Rabbi Himmel caught me.
However, this man was always deeply suspicious of me, and unkind. So, I hereby air my grievances!
1 – Rabbi Himmel frequently left messy disgusting shits in the employee bathroom, and did not clean-up after himself.
2 – Rabbi Himmel continuously invited himself over to my family’s home because he wanted a “nice home cooked meal.”
3 – Rabbi Himmel three times disabled the “Rabbi Button,” a device used to call upon the Rabbi’s services in order to make the cheese kosher. (I do not know why he did this.)
4 – Rabbi Himmel constantly made circumcision jokes, and frequently disrupted cheese-making.
5 – Rabbi Himmel had his very own Rabbi Lounge with it’s own kitchen and bathroom, which he would not share with anyone else. Yet, he used our cheese-makers’ lounge, kitchen, and bathroom daily.
6 – Along with other permanent cheese-makers, Rabbi Himmel would taunt and poke-fun at me for my intelectual aspirations as a “college boy,” and once shook a ladder from underneath while I was perched on it cleaning whey powder residue off of a pipe.
Screw you Rabbi Himmel.
Aaron
Aaron: Azoy vert dos kichel tzekrochen!